From fear, to guilt, to remorse, we had to go through all this, so that we could divorce. The most traumatic thing was the obligation to take our ten year old child to court, to have him say nicely what parent he wanted to stay with and whom he loved better, mother or father. We were so scared he was going to say something he shouldn?t, that we forced him to learn by heart that ? he wants to stay with mamma.? In spite of that, when he found himself in a room with 5 persons dressed in black shabracks, who explained to him that he needn?t be afraid, that he had to think over because his answer would decide upon his future life, he must have become so nervous, that after a while, the panel went out and asked us if we beat the child, because he was abnormally scared. At that point I played my part of irrational dissidence and I shouted something about the absurdity of the system and the stupidity of those who enforce it and I don?t what more, but I remember Alexandru was pulling my sleeve, whispering that I was mad, we were going to starve; at the same time he was apologizing in a loud voice, mumbling something about ? that?s how she is, that?s why we?re getting a divorce, when she gets annoyed she loses it completely.? For two years we walked the streets envying the old pensioners, who had escaped the system, whom nobody followed, it didn?t matter whose hand they were holding, what they had in their shopping bags or how they were dressed. In fact, we all dreamed of reaching the pension age as soon as possible. Moreover, some of us were hoping that afterwards we would be able to travel abroad.? (125)

December 1983. On a train to Cluj, to get my Ph.D. In the sleeping wagon- freezing cold. I sleep with my dress and my fur coat on, feeling like a dog and remembering the adventures of the previous journeys to Cluj. On my return from the admission examination, I had taken the wrong train and I had found myself at the train station in Dej; after 24 hours of dark cold I had arrived home, convinced that ? those ones? had flunked me (in fact they had flunked the other two, who later rehabilitated themselves, one of them by writing a book about the remarkable village Scornicesti and the other by filling a position of department chief thanks to the merits of his age). The first paper was postponed because of the earthquake in 1977. Before the second, somebody entered the rector?s office shouting to announce the sudden death of the youngest member of the commission. During the third, I looked nervously around, expecting an imminent catastrophe.

On such a memorable occasion, when one has to defend the thesis, the candidate is usually flanked by his loving family, who shakes hands, makes calls, rushes to make coffee for everybody and sheds tears at the key moments of the action. I cannot afford to have my family travelling because money has become a real problem for them lately, I wonder how others get along, they probably play the lottery. So I enter the students? home alone and I instantly realize that I will have to sleep with my clothes on. The first part of the morning is spent by rummaging the shops of the city after thicker candles- the secretary of the faculty reminded me that at the hour of the defense ? the cut the electricity? so the members of the commission cannot see to read.